This is the weather forecast for Sunday, SUN all over the place! Now that would’ve been just great if us tired Swedes could be spoilt with sun, at least for one day – I am dying from sun-thirst here!

And as I have absolutely nothing planned for Sunday, I could head out for a veeery long walk and inhale enough fresh air to last for at least one week ;-)

We’re hiring one more person to our department and she has gone through the very same and long recruitment process as I did and yesterday we all got to meet her, Lena. Though I have worked with Lena before, for a short while about six years ago and already know that she is a terrific woman.

It was nice seeing her again and we all agreed on that it was [her] that we wanted to be the one to complete our little group. With Lena we’ll be seven employees at this well, sub-department I perhaps should call it. I studied her being in the position I myself was in about a month ago. Displaying one’s very best side, being a tad stiff as being surrounded by strangers… wanting the job badly and hoping one’s wish will come true. It became clear to me how far I’ve actually come over the last month. As Lena spoke with us all sitting around the table in the kitchen, I sort off got to see myself from her point of view. It was a beautiful picture to discover, I saw how well I had bonded with my colleagues, how very relaxed and happy I was and gosh… I smile and laugh all the time. Not the old pretending to be jolly and fun (what a waste of energy that is). This joy and light spirit comes from inside, with no effort at all. The old me, pre-realizing-I-am-an-addict, in a whole new format. Improved I think, and hope.

Yesterday another colleague and I had a rather deep conversation in which she confided in me. I think she feels that her secret is safe with me, as I too am a person who is different. I think my openness about being an alcoholic brings me closer to others. My everyday working in recovery has brought me insight, humility and kindness and I know that I am a person able to listen, who can set my ego aside for a moment. I know that whatever one tells me in confidence will stay with me and only between the two of us, forever.

A long time ago I allowed people to lean on me and I didn’t know where to draw the line – the difference between being supportive and taking on other’s problems. And people in need desperately took advantage of that, which eventually had me withdrawing from everyone, trying to save myself. I’d rather be alone than being drained on energy. So I must admit, it has been a long while since someone confided in me and that I welcomed them to do so. Now I think I’m better in knowing where to draw the line and not to shoulder other people’s problems. Never again do I want to loose myself…

Letting people in is scary and I’m cautious… but I’m not as scared anymore. My ego and selfishness has shrunken, leaving room for friends and family. For love and spirituality. It is disturbing to see how much space selfishness occupies, it doesn’t leave much space for anything else… but there sure was no problem devoting to alcohol.

Today I am sober, today I’m bursting with spring feelings. It is Friday, it is payday. I am not rushing to the off-license after work but planning to do a little bit of shopping. To pick up my broadband modem, to be installed this evening. Oh how nice it will be to have broadband again! I will just enjoy a nice and relaxing evening, tomorrow will be a day full of fun activities.

I had e-mailed one of our IT-technicians that we had a problem with one of our network printers and when I read his reply it only said; “USB or network cable?”. And I thought, what the heck does he mean? As I don’t know this guy my initial thought was to forward the mail to one of my colleagues to ask if she had any clue what he meant.

And there I made halt.

I’m reading the book “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz and the third agreement that I’ve made with myself is; don’t make assumptions.

It means to find the courage to ask questions and to express what one really wants. To communicate with others as clearly as I can to avoid misunderstandings or drama for instance.

And there I was, about to bypass the sender of the e-mail to go and ask someone else who has nothing to do with our mail conversation. I have thought of myself as rather straight forward, yet I hesitated to ask this IT-technician the very simple question: -”What do you mean?” I wanted someone, that I feel safe and comfortable with, to interpret his answer and to tell me what she thought that he meant (as they have worked together for quite some time)… I mean, what sheepish kind of behaviour!

I thought this third agreement would be a piece of cake as I believe that I’m good at not making assumptions and wasn’t aware at all that I could take detours such as this in order to what… avoid some sort of confrontation? To [not] appear stupid? Expecting myself to have a sixth sense to figure out what everyone wants!?

So I replied to the technician “What do you mean?” And, you probably wont believe this, but he actually didn’t come running down the corridor banshee screeming – but answered my question in a friendly manner further explaining what he meant.

I am probably good at not making assumptions, but asking questions to clearify in order to be able to understand obviously doesn’t come easy in every situation. Thankfully I’m provided with little challenges every now and then, giving me the opportunity to learn and to become a better person.

From YOUR BEST LIFE NOW – Joel Osteen

Earlier today, me and my colleagues were chatting during a break and I told them that I in fact have very curly hair. But as I get it cut short enough it actually can be made straight. And then shared a memory from my youth as it suddenly popped up in my head. When in my teens I had this huge afro-like hairdo and so one day my younger brother was going to give me a ride on his new moped. He handed me a spare helmet which I put on and off we went. Once we arrived to wherever it was that we went, I took the helmet off and realised my hair had been flattened straight! It was incredible, fantastic! For the first time I had straight hair and ooooh this was luxury that I savoured that entire day. I wanted to borrow the helmet from my brother, but he just called me “Wacko!” and took off on his moped.

I’ve actually tried one of those flat-irons but it doesn’t work very well on my hair as it is very coarse. Sure, the hair becomes straight – but it doesn’t lie down.

I jokingly suggested to my colleagues that maybe I ought to get a helmet as Magnus replied: -”Hey, why don’t you get a bathing cap instead?” We had a good laugh and later when sitting by my desk I started thinking… eh, why not!?

So here I am, sitting in the sofa with a bathing cap on hahaa I bought it on the way home and right now I must look slightly insane. Tomorrow I will still be the mad woman but, mind you, with super straight hair ;-)

Speaking of work, I must boast a bit. The city hall, at which I work, consists of several municipal administrations (departments). One of these departments had a big meeting a few days ago and our group manager had been there too. And when she returned to our office she came over and said that she had some praise to share with me. The department folks had brought up my name and had said that this new woman is doing a remarkable job and they found me to be a pleasant person.

I was very flattered to hear this considering I have only worked at this place for about three weeks. And then yesterday I met my manager’s manager in the kitchen and we spoke for a bit. She’s a very busy person of course, so I haven’t seen her very often. And then she too told that she had heard people here and there speak about me, telling that they find me to be very competent and good at what I do.

This really warms my heart and I am so happy to receive such appreciation, it encourages me to keep up the good work.

I opened the AA meeting yesterday and what a difference it made! Last week I didn’t speak to anyone really, just entered the room, had a sit down and when the meeting was over we all rushed home. But yesterday I was first to arrive of course, then an older woman arrived and helped me by showing how they do service in this particular group. Shortly thereafter my friend Maud appeared and helped out as well. And as people were dropping in we were all chatting and I had such a wonderful moment speaking with everyone, getting to know them a little bit better. So I took the keys and will be opening the meeting next Tuesday too.

Ouch… that bathing cap sure is tight around the head. Must remember; no pain no gain ;-)

Last summer there was only a photo walk or two, instead I stayed at home and drank… Then the dark, dull and cold winter arrived. I am really longing for spring now, with its light and sunny mild weather. I’ll leave the balcony open for my beloved cats, so that they too can be outside, watch the birds, spying on people walking down the street and absorbing that precious sunshine. Then I pack my backpack and head out, allowing myself to be embraced by adventures and magic. And if I’m lucky, I might just catch some on a photo or two.

Time is now about ten o’clock and it’s bedtime… good night everyone, sweet dreams xoxo

And so we have stepped into a new week offering endless possibilities. I started the Monday being well rested after a most relaxing weekend. I had done nothing of importance, just watched all the TV-series that I had gotten from my colleague, slept and eaten. Not thinking of anything in particular, only spending precious time on my own.

I’m well aware that I [need] equally as much time of solitude as I need time in company of others. Taking a weekend off from social life as I did this weekend was precisely what I needed to satisfy the loner part of me.

So I watched the first season of Terra Nova, Misfits and The Walking Dead, all three very good series.

By the way, when thinking of my previous post Awareness I remembered one occasion where I had been so unaware I completely missed something so incredibly obvious it shouldn’t even have been possible to miss.

It was about five years ago. Very very hungover I arrived to work. To get to the office I needed to walk through a long corridor. Along the whole right side of the corridor was individual offices with glass walls. So I walked past them all and finally reached my own office. I was the first one there and took a seat in front of my computer and began working. As people started arriving I heard a lot of chattering and understood something was going on. After a while I just had to get up to see what was happening. After speaking with my co-workers I found out that there had been a burglary the previous night and every office in the corridor had been robbed on all computers and such.

I became a little bit confused because I hadn’t noticed anything special when I had arrived, so I left my colleagues and had to return to the corridor to see for myself. And got a shock! Every single window had been smashed, there was fragments of broken glass lying everywhere and as the police had been there they had attached those crime scene tapes/ribbons all over the place. Seriously, it looked like a bomb had been dropped in the corridor and I had walked through the entire place, through the glass, past all broken windows and the “do not cross” tapes without noticing ANYTHING!

A perfect example of an alkie’s unawareness, don’t you think.

Hard wind is raging outside, it is very cosy being at home in warmth listening to the wind pulling or pushing against the windows. Candles are lit to maximize cosyness and I have a bowl of snacks close at hand.

My colleague Magnus had transferred the first season of the newish TV-series Terra Nova to my USB memory stick. It’s a Steven Spielberg-produced epic in the science fiction and drama genre.

Now I’m set for a Terra Nova marathon aaaand pressing the Play button.

A man sat at a metro station in Washington DC and started to play the violin; it was a cold January morning. He played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time, since it was rush hour, it was calculated that 1,100 people went through the station, most of them on their way to work.

Three minutes went by, and a middle aged man noticed there was musician playing. He slowed his pace, and stopped for a few seconds, and then hurried up to meet his schedule.

A minute later, the violinist received his first dollar tip: a woman threw the money in the till and without stopping, and continued to walk.

A few minutes later, someone leaned against the wall to listen to him, but the man looked at his watch and started to walk again. Clearly he was late for work.

The one who paid the most attention was a 3 year old boy. His mother tagged him along, hurried, but the kid stopped to look at the violinist. Finally, the mother pushed hard, and the child continued to walk, turning his head all the time. This action was repeated by several other children. All the parents, without exception, forced them to move on.

In the 45 minutes the musician played, only 6 people stopped and stayed for a while. About 20 gave him money, but continued to walk their normal pace. He collected $32. When he finished playing and silence took over, no one noticed it. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition.

No one knew this, but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the most talented musicians in the world. He had just played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, on a violin worth $3.5 million dollars.

Two days before his playing in the subway, Joshua Bell sold out at a theater in Boston where the seats averaged $100.

This is a real story. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste, and priorities of people. The outlines were: in a commonplace environment at an inappropriate hour: Do we perceive beauty? Do we stop to appreciate it? Do we recognize the talent in an unexpected context?

One of the possible conclusions from this experience could be:

If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world playing the best music ever written, how many other things are we missing?

This is a true story that lives on and continues to be shared on the internet. For 45 minutes on the morning of January 12, 2007, concert violinist Joshua Bell stood incognito on a Washington, D.C. subway platform and performed classical music for passersby. Video of the performance are available on the Washington Post website, together with an article covering the entire story.

I invited mum over for dinner and we enjoyed a cosy Friday evening with cooking then eating and afterwards we had an oh so yummy kladdkaka for dessert. As she was standing in the hallway, putting her winter coat on, she looked at me and said: -”You have completely changed”. I laughed and was delighted that my change had become noticable.

Now with my tummy full, feeling content, I am adequately seated in the sofa. Juku is sitting on the livingroom table studying me whilst I’m typing this blogpost and Chip has fallen asleep in the armchair. I am thinking that it wasn’t only my drinking that almost ruined my life, it was the job that I had at that time too. I was only a fragment of a human being, emotionally… dead or numb, burnt-out. My laughter had died and humour was gone. There was no curiosity, very little interest in anything and no strength to bother with nor myself or my home. Drinking alcohol (particularly on Fridays) actually gave me a pause from the hell I was living in and for a moment I could be joyous, laugh and be free from anxiety. Though drinking caught me in a vicious cycle and there I was trapped until about two months ago.

I must tell, today my co-workers were joking a lot and having fun with eachother and sitting in my chair by my desk I was looking at them. I laughed so hard that I was coughing for hours afterwards (lungs untrained). I was laughing so heartily until tears ran and my tummy was aching.

Remembering my workday almost makes me weep… I don’t know why. I’m not sad, but there’s an ache in my heart when envisioning myself so genuinely happy, a lover of life. Maybe I’m not grasping that this is me and that this is for real. As if I am on a wonderful vacation knowing that soon, I will be back in the harsh and cold reality.

I am working so hard to learn, to rediscover life and myself, curiousity and love… Learning new ways, habits, a new attitude. I am sort of a researcher or a detective – a spiritual Sherlock Holmes! When I was in my twenties I [did] have a good connection with myself. I had my moments of mindfulness when reading or painting or meditating. I realise that I was very spiritual and vibrant then, in a rather unspiritual world. I think I am recapturing what I once had and my vigorousity that over time had reverted back to a tiny little seed is now spiring again. This is an awakening to a reality in which I actually want to exist, without the alcohol or fears or repression.

It is wonderful ta-di-la yet the alcoholic is constantly reminding me of its existence. Yesterday at lunch I left the office to take a walk. I ended up in the center of the town and explored it to see what shops there were. And suddenly found myself by the off-license. Something stirred within me and I didn’t want to look, didn’t want to know. But still I registered the bottles, cans and bag-in-boxes that were available… people heading in or coming out with their plasic bags loaded. That something that had stirred in me remained and whilst feeling joyful today I was haunted by the old thought of celebrating the Friday with booze. Having some wine to top up the good mood, drinking the night away.

But I cannot just have that one evening of drinking… for me it is all or nothing. Had I not been sober today I wouldn’t have laughed so dearly. I wouldn’t have cooked the delicious dinner and I wouldn’t have invited mum and we wouldn’t have enjoyed a cosy evening. She had a look around in the apartment and was glad to see it was neat and tidy, proudly I displayed cupboards and shelfs that I had sorted out. She said that she felt that this was a home filled with serenity and joy, as to previously entering my apartment filled her with anxiety, seeing the state of me drinking the way that I did, wasting away.

It’s okay to have those stirring emotions, the remembrance of what once was. But to remember the [whole] picture, not just the goodie part of drinking. Those emotions are part of me and are automatic. I need to be observant and accept them, not fight them. If I start a war against my alcoholic feelings or thoughts all my energy will be focused on… yes – alcohol. Instead I try to acknowledge, be kind and forgiving towards myself and to shift my focus, for instance by indulging in activities that are good for me. As I do now, blogging about it all. Writing my thoughts out of my head and at the same time having the unwanted thoughts and feelings fade away. Left is a very fulfilled me, surrounded by those sweetest little cats (Juku has fallen asleep now too, beside me)… peace and quiet. No hangover awaits tomorrow. Tomorrow I will wake up to a new day, kicking the Saturday off with an early morning AA meeting. And then I have a whooooole weekend at my disposal. Bliss.